Betrayal
by dragonpearlz
Summary: Sequal to 'The Worst'. Zia is trying to find her footing without Severus. The Order is skeptical of her loyalties, but none so much as Remus. This is the story of how she and Remus heal their strained relationship.
1. With Friends

Healers Scars

Zia tossed and turned.

Swirls of grey smoky clouds wrapped around her, and she floated to the sky. She was cold, so very very cold. Frost coursed through her body, leaving a chill that shook her to her bones. She floated through a dark tube of the smoky clouds. When she came out, she was hovering high above the Quidditch field, at Hogwarts. She turned over her shoulder and gasped.

She had just floated through a giant Dark Mark. Suddenly, the chill released her and she started to plummet towards the ground. Her spells weren't working. She looked around for help, but found herself surrounded by Death Eaters. They were laughing at her, but kept their brooms at the same fall rate as her. Severus was not counted among them.

As she fell into the arena she looked around for friends. Severus was not where he'd usually be sitting. Of course. As the depression settled into her heart she felt her fall rate accelerate. Dumbledore was gone too. She saw McGonagall cast a spell, but it missed.

"Remus!" she shrieked, as a last ditch effort.

But, it didn't work and she slammed into the ground. As she felt her soul float above her body she saw Remus walk up to her body…and laugh.

"No!" she screamed, as she sat straight up in bed. Sweat poured off of her. The nightmare had been like all of the others. Seriously freaky, with both Severus and Remus abandoning her, always resulting in her death.

She looked at her surroundings and jumped off the bed. She had fell asleep in the Shrieking Shack, just as she had every night – except the full moon – since Severus' betrayal. She didn't feel safe returning to Severus' home. And, she didn't feel welcome anywhere else.

Panic froze her in place as she took in her surroundings. The building was old with wooden walls and a matching floor. But, it was well kept, with antique furniture and beautiful portraits. Her bed had been hard, but the blankets were warm.

She tested the room. There weren't any spells blocking her from exiting the room, or monitoring her movements. Her wand was also still on her.

'Well, whoever it is, they are less hostile than I am," she thought, as she realized that there weren't any windows in the room. Knowing that she could be anywhere in the world, she took a deep quivering breath. There was only one way to find out she thought.

She took two quick steps, and cringed as the floor squeaked beneath her. 'No wonder there aren't any spells to monitor me,' she thought. 'With floors like this, they don't need them.'

She heard footsteps tentatively approaching the door. She prepared herself for an attack, and raised her wand in expectation.


	2. Doubt

"Expelli-," she started to call out as soon as the door open.

"Zia, no!" Harry called immediately.

She stopped the spell and lowered her wand. "Harry? I – I don't believe it." She pondered her situation for a moment, and then pointed her wand and shouted, "Alio reprehendo!"

Harry rose up off of the floor and his medical information started flashing over his head.

When Zia saw what she needed to in order to be certain it was really him, she cancelled the spell and lowered him to the ground. "Sorry about that. I'm not as trusting as I used to be."

"It's okay. That's a fantastic spell. Could you teach it to me?" Harry replied.

"Later. Where am I?"

"Grimmauld Place."

"Why?"

"We couldn't leave you in the Shrieking Shack – once we realized that's where you'd been. I know life has been a major slice of crazy, but that doesn't mean that you should be on your own. None of us are safe right now, especially not all by ourselves."

"I appreciate your concern. I don't remember this room though."

"It's Sirius' mothers. We removed most of the usable stuff. That's why we moved you at night… the portraits are asleep."

Zia blushed as she realized how vulnerable she had been there. Which meant that the Dark Lord knew she was there too. Unless Severus had done something… no… she couldn't trust a hope like that right now.

"Thanks," she replied sheepishly.

"Remus insisted on putting you in here, after rest of us insisted on bringing you here."

"Good way to keep track of me, I guess. Wait a minute. Who's us?"

Harry smiled. "Come on downstairs. I think you'll be surprised."

'Oh, Severus. You've come back,' she thought, allowing a smile to rise to her lips.

She followed Harry down the stairs and was greeted with a site that made her think she'd gone nearly twenty years back in time. Minerva, Mad-Eye, the Weasleys, Tonks, Remus, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Madame Hooch, and Hermione: it was amazing. It was the new Order. And she was here, among them.

But, she quickly realized who were not here: James, Sirius, Peter, Lily, Dumbledore, the senior Longbottoms, and, though he had not been part of the beginning, Severus. The past sixteen years had been trying and the loses had been substantial. She knew that their cause was stronger – they had been able to recruit new solid ranks. But, the Dark Lord's ranks were stronger – they had not died in the first war.

"Wow," she whispered to Harry. "And some part of these people wanted _me_ back?"

"Most of 'em, in fact," Harry said.

Zia smiled. But, she wondered who didn't want her.

Slowly, the group came up to her, asking about what she had found out in the past month and where she had been.

Zia answered their questions as well as she could, but she felt out of place. Like her place was beside Severus – wherever he was.

She heard Remus coughing, and her head snapped to attention. She concentrated on his condition and felt his fever and disorientation.

She made eye contact with Hermione and gestured for her follow her into the hallway.

"All right, what's going on with Remus?" she asked as soon as they were alone.

Hermione fidgeted. Before the last month, she would have told Zia anything. But, she had disappeared, and her boyfriend had killed Dumbledore. On the flipside, Hermione had dated Severus at one point as well So, she wanted to force herself not to be judgemental.

"He's sick…" Zia prompted.

"Yes. He's been suffering from mild depression since Sirius died. The death of Dumbledore nearly destroyed him."

"It nearly destroyed a lot of us," Zia said quietly.

Hermione took a deep breath. "It did. Um… Remus… well you saw him at the funeral. He got very upset after you left and didn't come back. He was certain you had turned on us. He um… he started get sick soon after. He blamed you for that too. He said that you were doing it to him, trying to sicken the house. Then when nobody else got sick, he said that you were doing it to wear him down before the full moon. To kill him."

Zia was crushed. Remus of all people should know her better. But, they had all been completely shaken. She guessed that she could understand why he'd think that way. She guessed…

"If it matters," Hermione said, interrupting Zia's thoughts, "Tonks doesn't think he believes the allegations he's making. That he's just lashing out at you because you were closest to Snape."

Tears started rolling down Zia's cheeks. "It's possible," she whispered. "I need a moment," she said, turning her back on Hermione.

Hermione nodded. "I thought you might. But, aside from Remus, the rest of us wanted you back… just so you know."


	3. Vindication

It took a few minutes, but Zia suppressed and compartmentalized her pain. She had been betrayed by both of the men who she had ever loved in her lifetime.

With a quivering breath, she re-entered the main room. Nobody seemed to notice that she had been crying. 'Then again,' she told herself, 'the only two people who ever noticed have estranged me from themselves.' She sighed again. This war was going to be considerably different from the last one. In this War, she would be the proverbial Severus Snape. Only she wasn't sure if she was strong enough to be in that place.

"Okay! That's it!" Tonks exclaimed suddenly. "You want her to prove herself Remus – force herself to do soul healing on herself!"

The room, which had been bustling with talk of the day, fell silent.

Zia's breath caught in her throat. "What?" she asked.

"No, that's quite all right. Tonks, sit down." Remus' voice was soft, but angry.

"No Remus. You've known her longest and you're the only one who doesn't trust her, so maybe there's something to that. I mean, really. She doesn't have a past – we've all noticed that. You know who she used to be?"

Remus went pale and stifled a cough. "It's not that… it's just…"

"There is something then. Zia, for inclusion in the Order – for the trust of those here – is it possible for you to soul heal yourself?"

Zia paled and sat down. She was always afraid of this. She knew it would happen someday. But, she wasn't tight enough with the Dark Lord to run to him. And, she wasn't sure if Severus would take her back if she did. "Hermione," she whispered.

"Well," Hermione started. "As you know, Zia is a Soul Healer. There is some evidence that Soul Healers can perform their gifts on themselves, but it's highly risky. While there is the chance that they will recover well, the healer can lose their gifts, they can become lost in their own mind, they can lose their mind, or they can get amnesia of varying lengths.

Zia smiled. She had written that report as Jada. In those times there were more Soul Healers, and she had met with a group of them regarding this situation exactly. At the groups' behest she had exaggerated the affects of self Soul Healing. Over the years she had practiced on herself in order to release the information and emotions that she suppressed and compartmentalized. So, she was more worried about what would release than the affects afterwards. But, that was her advantage, and she wasn't about to give it up.

Tonks wasn't swayed though. "Remus, if she does that and we know what's really going on inside her head, will you stop with this conspiracy nonsense? You stuck up for Severus, even when she warned all of us about the last plan – ."

"Yes! And, look where that brought us!" he yelled at her, standing up. "Dumbledore is dead because he trusted Severus. I will not die for trusting her!" His face was read with anger. He brought a fist to his mouth and coughed harshly.

"Get him water," Zia whispered.

Molly nodded her head and bustled to the kitchen to do so.

"I'll do it," Zia said loudly. "I would tell you what you want to know without it. But, if we do the soul healing on myself, then I can't lie to you."

"What do you need?" Hermione asked, sitting in front of Zia.

"I will need someone who can handle the mental anguish. Who is least likely to be captured and tortured. And, who is already slightly empathic. I'll meet with them personally. And, I'll let them know what the process entails.


	4. Proof

"All are under the strictest of confidence to keep these secrets," Minerva announced to the crowd assembled. Mad-Eye, Neville, and Arthur and Molly Weasley excused themselves from the process. All of them had said that they had already made their own assessments of the situation, and they didn't care what secrets she held. "Any who let these secrets be known or discuss them with those not in this room will be held accountable by their peers. We will not tolerate deception."

Remus paced in the back of the room. While he no longer trusted Zia, he knew that this was a bad idea. Guilt and fear ran rampant in his mind. There had to be a way to protect her secrets.

He watched as Minerva kneels before Zia, and followed Zia into her own mind. Both pairs of eyes turned to black.

"Questions can be asked now," Minerva said.

"What's your birth name?" Tonks asked. She was leaning against the wall, and had watched Remus pace in front of her for the better part of the last hour.

At the question, Remus whirled on her. "You don't need that information," he hissed.

"Jada Thistlewhite," Zia answered.

The room gasped.

"Why did you change your name?" Tonks followed up with.

"During the Dark Times, the Dark Lord targeted Soul Healers. Dumbledore knew the only way for me to survive was to fake my death after I graduated Hogwarts. So, he inducted me into the Order, and I underwent an identity change."

"Did you have family?" Ron asked.

"None living that I'm aware of. But, I did have a fiancé who defended my decision to change."

"Do we know him?" Harry asked. Hermione swatted at him.

"Remus Lupin."

The room gasped in unison, except Remus.

Sheepishly, he looked at Tonks, who would not return his glance.

"Do you still love Severus?" Hermione asked.

"Yes."

"Do you still love Remus?" Ron asked.

"Yes."

Tonks' scowl deepened.

"Who holds your loyalties?" she nearly yelled.

"The Order."

"Even if that means you have to fight against, or even kill Severus?" she continued.

Zia sighed sadly. "Yes." Tears started to leak from her eyes.

"Are you making Remus sick?" Madame Hooch asked.

"No, I would never."

"Do you want to see him weak?" Tonks asked.

"No. He is one of the strongest people I know. Illness could never make him weak."

"There, you have your information. End it!" Remus insisted. Tears were leaking out of the corners of his eyes. His anger was meant to be an issue between he and Zia alone. Something that they would work their way through. Now, she was telling her most private secrets, and it broke his heart to watch her do it.

Slowly, Minerva closed the door to Zia's mind and pulled out of the bond. She still felt the confusing swirl of emotions that Zia lived with every day.

Zia opened her eyes, and was met by shocked silence. "I couldn't tell you. I'm sorry."

"It's not that," Hermione started. "It's just – you took us by surprise is all."

Zia turned to Remus, who was looking at Tonks with pleading eyes. "Believe me now, Remus?"

Remus turned to answer, but collapsed to the ground.


	5. Lies

"You could have TOLD me!" Tonks yelled.

After the revelations of Zia's self healing mission, the members of the order retreated to their own areas to take it all in.

Zia remembered the entire session, but she was surprised about what parts of it touched on what members of the Order.

Harry was the first to approach her. He gave her an unexpected hug and thanked her for the sacrifices that she had made to the cause. His statement touched her deeply. Harry had given up everything from his life for the cause. For him to identify with her struggle made her feel validated.

Ron apologized for asking about your love for Remus. She nodded and told him that she appreciated his apology.

Minerva thanked her for instilling the level of trust it took, to make that connection, with her.

However, she was not surprised by the parts that had caused the going on two hour long argument between Remus and Tonks.

She and Remus retreated to their room not long after the session had ended and the yelling had started then.

"I couldn't have told you. If I told you then you would have asked who, and I couldn't tell you who it was."

"A NAME, you _could_ have told me a name."

"No, because then you'd want stories and background. And, you'd look them up and then I'd have to explain where she went, and then where would I be?"

"You could have made up a lie. In fact, you would have had to. What did you tell the rest of the Mauraders?"

Hphphphphphp

I really thought you were dead," Minerva said, sitting down with Zia.

"That was the plan."

"It must have been so difficult for you to reintegrate yourself and pretend to relearn everything."

"It wasn't easy. I'll tell you that."

"How difficult it must have been to watch Remus move on. Did he let you help him?"

"No, we thought it would be better if he didn't. That way we'd keep a respectable distance. Luckily, he liked Zia enough for us to remain friends."

Minerva took a sip of her tea and pondered the past 16 years. She remembered going to Jada's funeral, and how distraught Remus had been. In fact, she remembered how distraught they all had been. She did remember wondering how on earth Albus had found another soul healer. But, she never in her wildest dreams guessed that they would be the same people.

Hphphphphphp

"Remus you _lied_ to me!" Tonks said, her eyes full of tears.

"To be fair, I never lied to you. I didn't know you when the change happened. In fact, all I did was omit the truth." His mind flashed to a time when he wouldn't believe it when Sirius said the same thing.

"Same thing!" she retorted.

"No, it's not." He finally understood why Sirius said there was a difference.

Tonks sighed, her brilliant pink hair turning a multitude of colors. "I can't deal with you right now. Just get out."

Remus sighed dejectedly and left.


	6. Stronger Than She Once Was

The next day, Remus and Tonks made it clear that they weren't speaking to each other. In fact, Remus wouldn't speak to anyone. He just sat in Sirius' favorite chair, with a blanket over his legs, staring into space.

Zia watched him and felt her heart wrench with every sniffle and cough. In an effort to help the situation, she tried to speak to him. But, when he wouldn't even acknowledge her, she changed her tactic.

"Hey Tons, can I talk to you?" she asked. Tonks had been engaged in a mock duel with Moody at the time. As if she had been expecting it, she said, "Sure!' and walked away from the duel.

They took up space In a storage closet – the secret closet, as it have been called. It was and old converted pantry with a small table and three chairs. It was the only place that was charmed to be sound proof – both ways.

Tonks plopped down in a chart and waited for Zia to lock the door. Her hair, which had been electric purple, was now a silvery blue.

"Look," Zia said, started before she even sat down. "I did not mean to cause a rift between you and Remus."

"You didn't," Tonk replied, mater of factly. "His lies did."

"Now, Tonks," she replied, sitting down to face her. "He didn't lie. He just omitted the truth."

Tonks slammed her hand down on the table. "Now you sound like Remus! He didn't trust me!"

"You're right! We couldn't trust anybody!"

"Betcha Severus knows."

"He knew from the beginning. It's how we got the Death Eaters off my trail. Originally, the only people who knew were Dumbledore, Remus, Severus and myself. I always thought Lily might have suspected, but I was never certain."

"Lily?" she asked, her train of thought derailed. "You knew Lily?"

"Tonks, I was supposed to marry Remus. We were engaged right after Hogwarts. Which means…"

"Which means you were one of the original Mauraders."

"Well, Lily and I saw ourselves as Maurader-ettes. Kind of a spin off of the original. But, otherwise, yea."

Realization seemed to dawn on Tonks, and her hair turned a brighter shade of blue. "Oh."

She was quiet for a few moments then whispered, "You said you still love him. What if he still loves you?" The hurt and fear was evident in her voice, and Zia guessed that this was where most of her hurt stemmed from. Tonks understood the importance of a well kept secret, so her volatile response to Remus keeping one had not made sense.

"Tonks, you have to understand, when Remus and I were engaged it was during the beginning of the first war. We were different people back then.- less hurt, less jaded, younger. We are so different now, from what we were then, that any love that we hold for each other now is that of an old and trusted friend. Well… at least I used to be a trusted friend."

She sighed in defeat. If she lost Remus, she lost everyone from back then. 'But,' she thought hopefully, "the same applies to Remus."

Tonks nodded slowly. She had always known they had a special relationship. In fact, she had encouraged it. Now, she understood more of a back story.

As recently as that morning she had tried to encourage Remus not to hold Zia responsible for the events that had transpired. Now she understood the reason he felt so deeply betrayed. But, she realized that this new truth had no bearing on her thought or feelings on it. "Okay," she said, quietly.

"Guess this is the end of our friendship, huh?" At Tonks' confused expression she continued, "Between you and me, and Remus and me, I mean."

"No!" Tonks exclaimed. "no, no. You and me, we're good. And, if Remus ever snaps out of his funk, I'm sure that the two of you will be good again, too."

When Zia didn't respond, she continued, "And, I'm fine with that."

Zia smiled for what felt like the first time in ages. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it," Tonks said standing up. "Ever," she added with a wink.

When they exited the closet they heard it immediately: Remus angrily yelling.

The both shared a knowing glance and tore into the sitting room.

Remus had Hermione pinned against the wall. He wasn't touching her, his hands were on either side of her, trapping her between he and the wall. He was angrily shouting and pounding his fist against the wall.

Minerva, Molly, Harry and Arthur were just outside of arms reach, but all seemed hesitant to make a move.

"What's going on?" Tonks yelled, pushing past them. In an instant, Remus whirled around and snapped his teeth at her.

When Hermione tried to run, he grabbed her shoulder and flung her back into the wall. "I'm not don' with you," he said, in a dangerously low voice.

"Remus!" Zia shouted. "your issues are with me. Take them out on me!"

Not turning away from Hermione, he answered, "No, oh no. It's not about you, Z. It's about this obnoxiously peculiar young witch. She feels she has a right to know my inner most thoughts. My _feelings_. She wants to know how I'm _really_ feeling, and now she will."

Zia grabbed Remus' shoulder and tried to push him off balance. When he turned to snap at her, she grabbed his chin and the back of his head and yanked it – not hard enough to do damage – but enough to get his attention. "If you ever try to snap at me again, I'll break your neck," she yelled.

The room went deathly still. All watching seemed to be holding their breath.

Remus growled and turned the rest of his body to face her. Before he could move, hs clutched his throat and began to apply pressure. "Do NOT screw with me, Remus. I am not the Jada you knew!"

Suddenly, his anger broke and he choked out a sob. "My Jada," he gasped before falling, unconscious, to her feet.


	7. Breaking Point

"Why the hell did you do that?" Hermione screamed, as Tonks and Alastair took an unconscious Remus upstairs.

Zia sighed. She had expected a dramatic response from Tonks. Rage was not something she expected from Hermione. "I didn't choke him!" she snapped back. "I spiked his fever."

"You lie, you evil bitch! First, you hurt him by leaving him, by changing, by siding with Severus, then he takes you back – sort of – and you choke him until he passes out! I don't want you here anymore."

"Well I'm afraid you don't have much control over that," Tonks said, coming down the stairs. "Zia's telling the truth – she didn't choke Remus. Just got you out of harms way." She turned to face Zia. "He wants to see you, though."

Zia nodded and ran up the stairs.

"You okay?" she asked as soon as she went inside his room.

He cleared his throat. "Yea… sorry 'bout that," he answered quietly, shamefully.

"I'm no the one you owe the apology to," she responded, closing the door, but not moving any closer to him.

"You can come closer," he offered.

"I choose not to," she responded, her voice touched with anger. "I'm sure you'll understand."

"Z… I'm si… si…si…Ketssshooo!" His head bob forward, crashing his face into his handkerchief.

"I know you are. But, you are also pissed off at me, and I don't want to deal with your rage right now. If you haven't noticed Remus, I am going through my own personal hell right now, and don't need your drama attached to it!" She started to pace like a caged predator. "I've lost my love, my boyfriend, my faith, my job, and now my friends. I don't fit in with the Order, nor do I fit in with the Death Eaters. The Death Eaters will kill me on sight, and I get the feeling the Order wants to do the same. And you… my _friend_. You have been so kind as to yell at me, spit on me, and stop speaking to me for Severus' actions. Somehow I just don't feel the need to care for you until you at least give a damn about me!"

Remus watched her as she raged at him. In all his years he had never seen her this angry. But, he knew he deserved every last word. He had taken his anger on Severus out on her, and taken away the only friends that she felt she had left. Then he'd taken away her secret, which she willingly gave in order to have some feeling of safety.

A cold guilt settled in his stomach. He'd been the evil thing he'd accused her of. And, she took it – willingly. A true testament to how depressed she was over the whole ordeal. "Z, I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"As am I," she responded coldly. She watched as two tears escaped down the corners of his eyes.

"But, it was _Dumbledore_," he whined.

She understood his loss, as he felt it as well. But, his whining only fueled her anger. "Don't you dare whine at me, Remus! I feel the lost too, but I feel it more. I lost EVERYTHING that day! You know, the way you felt when Jame and Lily died and Sirius was locked away? That's what I'm going through! Then, to gain you back I revealed what cannot be revealed about myself. And if there is one Wormtail down there, just ONE, I am dead!" She took a few deep breaths. Then started again, calmer. "I am not Jada, Remus. She is dead. And now, thanks to you, I might be too."

She stormed out of the room, down the stairs, through the sitting room, and out the door.


	8. Beaten

Remus thought about what she said. She was right, of course, about all of it. His stubbornness had cost her even more than she already lost.

He thought about what she said – about her feeling how he did when he lost James, Lily and Sirius. At least he had her. He had the Order. She never left his side – she was good and kind. And, he repaid her with hatred and mistrust. He deserved her anger. He deserved all of it.

Hours went by, and Zia had not returned.

One by one the Order all came in to check on Remus, and he told them the story of what happened. That she was not evil – that he was wrong, and no, she did not try to choke him.

"Hermione, I'm sorry," he said gruffly. Like Zia, she had chosen to stand by the door.

Unlike Zia, she rushed up to him the moment he apologized. "Oh, Remus –don't you worry about that. I do mettle too much. And, I guess I got what I deserved.

"No. Hesshhhthoo!" Remus said, sneezing into his handkerchief. "You didn't deserve that. I just ha- have a breaking – oh 'scuse," he turned and sneezed heavily, causing some heavy coughs to emanate from him. After cleaning himself up, he continued. "I just have a breaking point. And, I reached it then. You should be nicer to Zia –she saved your life."

Hermione paled. "But, she hurt-."

"She did no such thing," Remus cut in. "She stopped me from acting like a predator. She made sure you were safe." He sniffed wetly and looked at the clock. Nearly six hours had passed since Zia left. A cold feeling of dread spread over him as it dawned on him that she might not be returning.

After dinner, he asked Tonks to go look for her.

He was deeply dismayed when she replied that she and Moody had already been out, and there was no sign of her. His mind raced to what she could have done or where she could have gone. He feared that she went back to the Death Eaters. 'They'll kill her on sight,' he thought. 'Good God, Remus,' he thought to himself. 'Of all the stupid things to do and the wrong people to do them to. I mean really. How stupid do you have to be?'

It was then he heard it. A scratching at the door, so quiet that he thought it was Padfoot. Forcing his aching muscles to move, he slowly went to the door. When he opened it, he found Zia – bruised and bloodied within an inch of her life, flat on her stomach – arms outstretched towards the door.

She looked up hopefully when the door had opened, but upon seeing Remus, her face fell. "Never mind," she whispered. "Just close the door and let me die."

Knowing that she had never been one for melodramatics, her statement surprised and worried him deeply. "Tonks! Moody! I need help!" he called, dropping to his knees.

"I've got you, Z," he whispered.

"Just let me die," she said back before blacking out completely.


	9. Lifeless

The house was quiet as Moody dressed Zia's wounds. She had obviously been in a duel, and a physical fight to boot. While Zia was no slouch in a fight, she had lost this one – completely and without a doubt. And, as Moody reported, he had no idea how she ever made it back to the house without being followed – which Tonks and Dung had made sure of at his orders.

The house seemed deathly still. The silence was only interrupted by Remus' frequent coughing and sneezing. Hermione had tried to tend to him, but he brushed her away. She didn't want to press the issue. If Remus had been distraught earlier, than he was on the verge of a breakdown now.

Finally, Moody emerged from the bedroom that they placed Zia in. He was busy wiping blood off his hands – but there was plenty on his clothes. "I don't know exactly what happened," he stated, matter-of-factly. "All I know is that the Death Eaters got to her. She won't say how many. She won't say who. But, she did say that she doesn't plan on staying here long and she doesn't want to be a burden. Or, more specifically, "She's not worth the air, space, food, or trouble –so we should just let her die."

The room gasped silently.

"Now, we're not going to let that happen," Remus retorted.

"No, of course not," Moody agreed.

"Can I see her?" Remus asked, quietly.

Moody eyed him cautiously. "You may. But, be forewarned, I think it was Severus who did the most damage –if not all of it. She looks like hell, and she is feeling quite depressed. If you're going 'cause you need something from her – I'd suggest you do it another time."

"No, I just want to be sure she's okay."

"She's not."

There it was. It was said. The indestructible Zia had been …well… destructed.

Remus sighed. "I still want to see her."

Moody nodded. "If you upset her, I'll pull you out though. She's not in any condition to be upset. On the contrary – if she so much as cries too hard, her one lung may collapse."

"I understand," Remus said, as he went inside.


	10. Forgiveness

Zia heard Remus approach the door. His steps were tentative. His steps were always tentative. Years of knowing him had taught her that his steps were tentative unless there was an emergency. If Remus' steps were rushed, there was a reason for it. And, that reason was always worth heeding.

A wet sneeze ripped out of him at exactly the wrong time, and she smiled. So much for him sneaking up on her.

She opened her eyes slowly. The door was already open, but he was tentative about stepping inside the room.

"Come on in, Remus," she croaked, her hoarse voice barely above a whisper. "I mean it's your house after all." She closed her eyes again. She was so tired. And, she really didn't have the strength for another argument.

She heard his footsteps coming towards her, and felt the bed divot where he sat on the edge. "Now," he sniffed wetly, "whad is this I hear aboud you being depressed?"

"Not depressed," she whispered, still not opening her eyes. "Exhausted. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of wars and rats and fighting amongst friends. I'm tired of living, and I seem to be too resilient to die."

Remus stifled a sneeze, causing the bed to shake. He'd never heard Zia talk like this before. He'd seen her blame herself for things she had no control over and depression wasn't new to anybody who had been around as long as they. However, these thoughts were bordering on the suicidal, and he couldn't make heads nor tails of them.

"Don't stifle them like that," she whispered, eyes still closed. "I know how it pains you so."

He blew his nose with a wet honk and flushed with embarrassment. He was grateful she hadn't opened her eyes.

For reasons she couldn't understand, Zia felt the heat of embarrassment come from Remus. She peaked one eye open. "You okay?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Z," he whispered, his voice full of guilt.

"As am I," she whispered back. It hurt to talk. It hurt to be. Inside and out – everything hurt. "But, I will be out of your house just as soon as I am able. Or, if you would like, there are some medi-witches at Saint Mungo's who owe me some favors. You could call them to get me out of your house that much faster."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Why would you think that I would want you to leave?"

"Why would you want me to stay? I'm nothing to you now. I'm a burden just being here – and not that I'm here and useless… well now even moreso."

"Z, I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. I – I just couldn't identify with you – and now," he remembered her yelling about James and Lily and Sirius, "now I understand better than anyone." He rested a hand on her arm, and she flinched away. "Who did it Z?"

"Nobody."

"It was Severus wasn't it?" he asked. He felt himself getting angry at the mere thought of Severus hurting her. "Z?"

She was asleep. He nodded. He knew what it was to be in so much pain that being awake was a punishment. He didn't want to punish her anymore than she already had been. "All right, Z, we'll talk soon," he said. He gently tucked her in and crept out of the room.

Zia listened to him go. Tentative: his steps were always so tentative.


	11. Teaching

When she next awoke it was to painful stinging on her face.

"Ow!" she said, putting her hand up to stop the offending touch. She became acutely aware that not only was someone else in the room – someone else was on the bed. She glared at the offender and was shocked. Hermione. "When did you get here?" she snapped. She had never been so out of it that she had not heard someone come in to her presence – especially not come into her presence, sit on the bed that she was sleeping on, and start … well start doing *something* to her.

Hermione was not fazed by her exclamation of pain or by her stridency. She just continued to take a q-tip and apply clear liquid to Zia's wounds.

"I said 'ow'!" Zia repeated, scooting herself away and silently thanking Merlin that she had enough presence of mind not to curse the stupid child.

Hermione sighed loudly. "I was just making sure your wounds stay sterile."

Zia thought about the statement – then about muggle remedies to do such things. "Rubbing alcohol is not necessary. There are plenty of healing spells that will do that without such insufferable pain."

Hermione blushed. "It's not rubbing alcohol… but okay."

Zia sniffed the air. She was right. There was none of that offending alcohol smell. "Then what?" she asked.

"Iodine," Hermione answered matter of factly.

"Oh good gravy!" Zia exclaimed. "What are they teaching you these days at Hogwarts? Surely you know basic healing spells? We're in a War for Merlin's sake! Please please *please* tell me that they are teaching you basic healing?"

Hermione put her hands in her lap and shook her head no.

Zia winced at the reality. These kids, these precious kids, were expected to fight in a War and rely on their elders for medical care. She recalled a time when Dumbledore had told her that she should try to teach her talents.

"Could you teach me?" Hermione asked, as if she was reading her thoughts.

"I suppose I could teach you some. But, a lot of what I do is natural – I don't know how I do it, I just *do* it."

Hermione shrugged, "Okay."

Zia heard tentative footsteps come up to the door and stop. Remus was listening in.

"First, the spell for disinfecting wounds – and only wounds, not surfaces or any other such nonsense is sanatas. The accentuation is on the last syllable."

"San-a – Tas," Hermione sounded out slowly, being sure to accent the correct syllable.

"That's it," Zia said, grimacing at the pain in her face when she tried to smile.

Hermione withdrew her wand and pointed it at Zia, "Sanatas!" she said confidently.

Zia instantly felt the cooling sensation of the properly executed spell. "Good," she said. "Now, a healer has to be acutely aware of their surroundings. In the past two minutes, what has changed?"

Hermione thought for a moment. "The sunlight is being covered by clouds," she said looking at the window.

"Yes, and…" Zia prompted.

Hermione thought about it. "You're awake."

Zia chuckled. "Yes, and…."

At that moment a sneeze ripped from Remus, surprising Hermione. She looked at Zia bashfully, "Remus is at the door."

"Very good," Zia said, not feeling the need to chastise the girl for not noticing before his sneeze. "But, what changed just before I asked you the question?"

"He arrived?" she asked with an innocence that Zia had rarely seen from her.

"No," Zia said seriously. "He took an inhale of breath. He'd been holding in that sneeze for quite a while. As a healer, you need to be aware of the sights as well as the sounds and smells around you. Very little can escape your senses, otherwise not only you – but others – could die." She took a breath and went back to the healing lesson. "Not only that, but as healer, you should know who's hiding symptoms and why. It could compromise a mission otherwise."

Hermione nodded. "I never realized so much went into being a healer."

"Most people don't."

"Can I ask you a question?" Hermione asked.

"Of course."

"Why are you depressed?"

Zia sighed. "I have one word for you – this is another part of being a healer – figuring out the cryptic messages from your charges. My depression. My unwillingness to stay. My need to leave. All summed up in one word, betrayal."

They heard Remus sneeze again.

"Come on in, my friend," Zia called. Turning back to Zia she said, "Think on it. Come back in an hour. Tell me what you come up with."

Hermione nodded and left.

Zia smiled and closed her eyes, listening to Remus' tentative steps.

"That was awfully nice of you, Z," he's said, sitting on her bed.

"First, bless you, twice. Take a tissue," she said motioning towards the bedside table.

He did and blew his nose generously.

"What are you doing out of bed?" she asked, tenderly.

"Does this mean you've forgiven me?" he asked between blows.

"Well, the anger has dissipated somewhat. Now, I'm dealing with a deeper betrayal."

"Severus?"

"I'm not telling, I want to know what Hermione comes up with."

He chuckled. "Okay. But, Z, I can't promise there aren't any rats among the group. I can promise that I and Tonks and Alaster, and at least five other people down there will protect you, unto death, should it be warranted."

Zia opened her eyes. "Why?" she asked incredulously.

"You're our healer. You've gone to the brink and beyond for us. We will do the same to you – and each of us are willing to bind ourselves to you if that's what it'll take to make you realize we're serious."

"No bonds," she stated quickly. "No bonds, no spells. I'll take your word, it's easier."

The two of them sat talking, until Zia felt better about her place in the Order, and Remus was wearing out.

"Kettscchoo!" he sneezed forcefully.

"Remus, go rest. Hermione should be back soon anyway. You need tea and a nap." In a more gentle tone she added, "It's okay."

As if on cue, Hermione knocked on the door.

Before anyone could respond, she walked in. "It's Remus isn't it? The betrayal that's causing everything?"

Zia sighed. She thought it would have been obvious. "No," she stated, "it's not."


	12. Betrayal

Depression and suicidal thoughts overwhelmed Severus. He had been on a scouting mission with Bellatrix and Lucius when they saw her, his Zia. Running – crying in the rain.

His heart yearned to go to her, gather her in his arms, and protect her, but he knew that couldn't be. Bella and Lucius were near – hidden as his flankmen. Something had happened to her – something horrible to affect her in such a way. He hardened his heart and he realized something much worse was about to befall her.

It didn't take long for her to see him. In an instant, her anguish melted away and her eyes became light with hope. In that second he unleashed the Cruciatus Curse at her. Her scream ripped through him as she crumbled to the ground, writhing in agony.

In a flash Bella and Lucius were in sight, making their way towards her. He would not – could not – let them get close to her. They would kill her.

He ran as fast as he could towards her, calling out, "Sectumsempra," as his narrowly missed her with each shot. When he arrived to her, he mumbled the finite incantatum spell, and told her to stay down for at least ten minutes. He didn't know if she heard him. He didn't know if she would ever rise again.

Guilt filled him, as he gave up any reason to live. He was Voldemort's now. He no longer had any reason to go back.


End file.
